Cycle: Follicular- Day 9

Location: Home – desk
Context: A single unexpected hug can pull me out of the void faster than any self-help trick

🧠  Thought Stream

~Body: hot flushes, contained
~Feeling: restless, uneasy

[existential thought]: ah, i might as well DO NOTHING, than DO SOMETHING.. crazy to be a human being. fuck. i needed to find something of a purpose.. to keep going.. building something through pain to hopefully find a purpose.. to keep going.. and not fall into dark, void, thoughts.. it’s like a CARROT IN A STICK. im just tricking and playing with my mind.. myself.. to live longer.. get that taste of high and do all to keep it at that level..

[practical thought]: and it costs a lot of money. costly

[resistance thought]: i hated that. i hated this state. this unstable thought trying to hijack my focus

[self-criticism thought]: you know what, talking about ‘focus,’ you don’t have that. lately? you don’t have that. you spend fucking so much time on scrolling social media. email. back n forth. wtf. and i get pissed off. irritated if you keep doing that. so grrrr! you’re 42 for god’s sake and acting cheap, low!

[cultural humor thought]: hey! lol. chill lang dira. you know what, ang kinabuhi dili sayon. you can’t expect high performance. pag sure. lol.

[awareness thought]: it’s a fine line. need ka mag tip toe or else.. ‘thoughts’ get messy or high.

[value-protection thought]: i think what i don’t like.. no.. it’s not what i think. WHAT I DON’T WANT is losing what matters.. WHAT’S ESSENTIAL.. and then do those things first and foremost. why can’t you have LIMITS. BOUNDARIES on certain things, please.

[fatigue thought]: i guess, i’m tired. no purpose at all in living.. other than family, kids, work, fighting to survive, the struggle.

~Body: tensed, slight headache, big sigh

~Feeling: discouraged, trapped

[acceptance thought]: they say it is what it is.. find what makes you happy, joy.. while you’re breathing.

[creative thought]: build your own game

[gratitude thought]: oh that’s a nice hug from Dragan..

~Context: my son suddenly appeared, hugged me behind my back, and asked if I wanted a kiss?

~Feeling: Calm

~Body: Light

[appreciation thought]: well, that’s a good interruption.

[self-recognition thought]: and by the way, kudos for choosing not to overeat today, even while you’re feeling comfy watching movie with Dragan on Thunderbolts in the living room.

[hopeful thought]: yeah, i did it. (hopefully) this is day 1 in getting better in putting limits and doing the opposite

[learning-integration thought]: rememberin Precision Nutrition’s online coaching lesson: DO THE OPPOSITE

~Feeling: Succesful, delighted, good