The Inner Council: Negotiating with Multiple Selves for a Sustainable Path Forward

Cycle: Follicular – Day 9

Location: Home – desk

Context: Starting over fatloss challenge with a little bit of rigidity,I mean flexibility. Sleepy. Energy crashed due too high carbs late lunch after cleaning.

🧠 Thought Stream

[frustrated thought]: How flexible would that be? Eh? I don’t get it because you tend to be it loose (but then complained and go horahora if you overboard) and freaked out of yourself. AND THEN… if it’s rigid with tracking and complex or methodical, you couldn’t breathe and you go ballistic (questioning your life’s purposes).

feeling: irritated, fed up

body: scratching head with two hands

[uncertain thought]: I really don’t know. I don’t know how to be in the middle; about just right. I know my tendencies already.

[mental image]: In a black parachute wanting to land in a good timing; not too fast, not too slow that it just slides. Hands are adjusting the whatever it needs pulling

[self-conscious thought]: God, hard to describe actions.

[attention-seeking thought]: So listen. Hey, listen

[mental image]: gently slapping my face to wake up and listen, where a woman was standing right in front of me; the woman who rides the parachute in black suit. Acts tough. While me sitting down (can’t see how i look), looking down swivelling on a chair, naive or unaware or don’t have a clue the gravity of the topic.

[directive thought]: This isn’t funny anymore (the woman in black conversing). Hey..

[mental image]: The woman gave one clap to get my attention

[meta-cognitive thought]: Now, you’re imagining a woman, creating a fictional character to wake you up, eh? What’s that for? We’re not telling a story here, Maan. So, listen up.

[firm thought]: This just cannot continue anymore. You are losing yourself in the process. This is isn’t you.

[defensive thought]: Oh come on. It’s part of me. Why can’t you all accept that? Is that hard? A part me wants to get loose.

[challenging thought]: And for how long, eh? Until you get sick, obese, hating yourself more because you don’t like what you see in the mirror.

[distracting musical thought]: 🎶 The girl in the mirror, the girl in the mirror… is me. (Britney Spears song). 🎶

[native language scolding thought]: Dili najud ni maayo, Maan. Sus, ayaw jud pagtinunonto sa imong lawas. Pastilan kang bataa ka.
[Translation: This isn’t good anymore, Maan. Gosh, don’t be foolish with your body. Oh my goodness, you child.]

[native language harsh thought]: Nagkadako imong edad, nagkawala man imong panimoot. Naunsa man ka oi. Way klaro bataa. Hoy, pagmata na intawon pod oi. Mag sige logar tag balik-balik ani ug paniwang ug istorya ug pahinumdom unsay dili maayo. Kabalo naman ka. Gabinata manka oi.
[Translation: As you get older, your sense is disappearing. What’s happening to you? So unclear, child. Hey, please wake up. We keep going back and forth about this diet talk and reminding what’s not good. You already know. You’re being childish.]

[native language disappointed thought]: Makalain kaayo ka, Maan. Makamahay. Gatinarong baya mig pahinumdom sa imo. Maminaw manka anang uban diha nga igo raman gusto mag enjoy-enjoy. Gamita pod imong utok oi. Wala judko ganahi nas imong style ba.
[Translation: You’re really disappointing, Maan. Regrettable. We’re properly reminding you. You listen to those others who just want to enjoy. Use your brain. I really don’t like your style.]

body: big sigh, face winced

[native language pressuring thought]: Tan-awa gani ng imong anak. Galuspad nag agi. Sus, bataa. Makawalag gana manka oi.
[Translation: Look at your child. His appearance is pale. Gosh, child. You’re making us lose motivation.]

body: deep sigh

[native language desperate thought]: Tabang mga langit. Unsaon mani nga gakawala naman kos passing.
[Translation: Help, heavens. What can I do when I’m losing my way.]

[native language agreement thought]: Tinuod judna. Maayo kay ka-realize ka. Dili najud maayo ba. Nagdako ng imong tiyan. Ayaw na lagi paabota nga magdasok nasad ng trabahoon nimo ayha napod daun ka magkarag-karag ug focus. Dili judna mao. Mao nay makadaot sa imong utok, lawas. Matay. Dili na baya ka bata, Maan. Nagka-edad na baya ka.
[Translation: That’s so true. It’s good you realize it. It’s not good anymore. Your stomach is getting bigger. Don’t wait until your work piles up again before you scramble to focus. That’s not right. That’s what damages your mind, body. Gosh. You’re not young anymore, Maan. You’re getting older.]

body: deep sigh, staring hard and long.. high and low in the ceiling to the floor, blank thought

[native language lost thought]: I don’t know what to feel. Ambot unsaon ni.
[Translation: I don’t know how to handle this.]

[hopeful thought]: But you bought something for your pre-workout, thought about eating apple as a snack.

[doubtful thought]: But that’s not enough. It’s not enough. It ain’t easy to convince yourself.. your thoughts. Painstakingly hard. I know how it feels to feel going hard and loose. The “middle” I guess is where I need to pay attention. Is tracking, planning the right way? Or better way? Which is really natural for me?

[cynical thought]: LOL. You know what’s natural: going hard and too loose.

[insightful thought]: I think the purpose of tracking and planning is to constrain the parts of me that needs “restraining order.” Practice to be you in the middle.

[identity thought]: And that means molding a different identity.

[mental image]: Agh! Here-we-go again and fed up of creating a new one (attitude).

[doubtful thought]: I don’t know if this would work.

[exasperated thought]: Why can’t you just listen to all of us once and for all?

[clarifying thought]: Well? Why you smiling? What I’m saying is… once and for all.. you listen to us first before you act.. before you make a decision.. before you choose. That’s the restraining order, the less painful one. Is that hard?

[agreeing thought]: I don’t think so. (a mental image agreeing and shaking head as saying “no, no not hard at all).

[pleading thought]: Can you do that, please? For the sake of us?

[acquiescing thought]: Ohkay…. I’ll try.

[satisfied thought]: Good, that is all I need to hear from you today. Let’s try that first before reducing calories consciously. Just listen to us, first. That’s all. That’s all.

[confirming thought]: Ohkay, okay. I’ll try

[urgent thought]: Starting tonight. Please.

[redirecting thought]: Now, check your PSW assignment or test for tomorrow.

[mental image]: Eyes rolling

[native language meta-comment]: Taasa aning istorya oi.
[Translation: This story/conversation is so long.]

End at 17:38

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