Menstrual Cycle: Day 6

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From Existential Void to Finding My Anchor: A Journey Through Darkness to Light

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[existential thought]: JUST ABOUT EVERY TIME I would feel physical exhausting, I would ALWAYS, literally ALWAYS question the point of living and (able to) breathing. Like I would like to and want to burst into tears.

[cynical thought]: I mean… it’s a ROULETTE. Unless you’re betting to ‘want to’ live, which is a different story. What’s the price of living? The good price?

[philosophical question]: Should you cajole yourself that suffering is ‘just’ part of meaningful life? If you’re going to outweigh SUFFERING to SATISFACTION of being alive, what’s the fraction?

[searching thought]: I think putting meaning is just spinning yourself that … (thinking)

[nihilistic thought]: I don’t see overall satisfaction in living, in being alive. You get a little bit of joy here and there. Basically you create something (input), and it always bomeerang (output) on you. You crawled your way out (whatever that “out” means in a situational context) slowly, joyfully, painfully.

[dismissive thought]: WHATEVER.

[feeling]: pessimistic, disgusted

[body]: headache, smirk

[compassionate thought]: you must be feeling exhausted and tired

[bitter thought]: yeah, tired of doing the same shit over and over again. EAT, SLEEP, EXERCISE, WORK, LOVE, HATE, and all.

[defeated thought]: silent sigh inward

[angry thought]: Fuck. I mean, if you want change.. oh the world will crumble. my world will crumble because something cracked and you wouldn’t want it sometimes but you’re forced to either in my control or external control. then you got to move. some moves will make you feel miserable, feel lucky, triumphant, challenged. and you’re hopeful and want more of it. don’t you think you are just insisting that life is really good where in fact… growing up life was hard and broke and miserable. a little of pure happiness and memorable experiences that you want to keep it replayed. Admit it, life sucks. LOL. Pathetic.

[frustrated thought]: God, I hate this kind of moment and feelings. Grrrr… It’s a momentum killer. Why can’t it be easier?

[mocking thought]: Oh they say, you got to ACCEPT reality.

[defiant thought]: yeah right. nah nah nah nah

[childish visualization]: a kid bullying with tongue stick out and making an angry face

[expletive thought]: fuck

[native language thought]: hahay.. sige nalang tag pamalikas ani. yati ba jud

[conscience thought]: an image of my husband. a reminder thought that I should limit cursing

[hopeless thought]: i don’t see any point at all to find hope, joy.

[psychologically aware thought]: well you know what they say.. you can’t feel those positive emotions without the BLUE and RED colours of emotions. emotions tell us about what’s happening.

[cynical thought]: hahahahahahhahaha you know this is funny and ridiculuous. humans make up stuffs just to be able to survive, to live longer with psycho drama that life is a gift. that it’s really should be accepting as LUCK.

[body]: mockingly smiling and amused

[challenging thought]: so what is it now? i can see that you’re now able to smile.. admit it that you’re also fooling yourself. emotions come and go and thoughts come and go.

[resigned thought]: nah you can’t get away of being human. you’re stuck until you chooses to die or let you die by aging of course, naturally

[body]: a sad smile

[body]: deep sigh

[reflective thought]: well you lived this long.. at 42 years old. still confused as hell in how to move forward.

[insightful thought]: see? that’s the thing. you hated it and disliked it if you are uncertain because you don’t know when you’re able to smile. you want a guaranteed smile

[self-amused thought]: hahahahahahahaahha that’s the funniest truth I hear today hahahahaha

[body]: laughing out loud

[feeling]: amused, silly

[validating thought]: yeah yeah right.. you want guaranteed smile, satisfaction. like this coming Friday, April 4th. You look forward to watching Minecraft movie with Dragan.

[practical thought]: checked on Cineplex schedule for 3D

[surprised thought]: oh wow.. really expensive! LOL

[redirecting thought]: anyway, so what is it now Maan? there’s no absolute solutions on how to live and survive. you have Dragan, still young at 8 years old and he will go through that experiences.

[startling thought]: and goodness, you have plans to have another baby…

[body]: headache

[self-critical thought]: hmm giving this kind of mental weakness

[defensive thought]: yeah humans have mental weakness.. or you mean.. i’m weak in fooling myself? lol.

[self-deprecating thought]: isn’t that pathetic?

[overwhelmed thought]: oh god. this is too much way of thinking

[physical complaint]: intense headache

[summarizing thought]: where are we again? this is pointless. for now. Maan is just letting out, venting out the reality of winning the lottery of being born to be alive

[musical thought]: remembered that line song of “born to be alive”

[prompting thought]: so what’s it really gonna be?

[defiant thought]: i don’t know. maybe the best badass

[feeling]: motivated

[encouraging thought]: yeah there you go! even for just one goal.. like achieving that body recomposition you’ve been dreaming of… aging well.. even just that becoming a light house.. is better and best for now. something to look forward to.

[therapeutic thought]: you know.. an angry thought, or whatever that thought that would arise when you get physically exhausted, made you question the point of living.. of the future’s uncertainty.. it havocs you pretty bad. it lingers long enough. but with this WooshBrain approach, you are letting it out.. letting it say something.

[trauma insight]: it comes from trauma and childhood neglect sure. once it meets the equilibrium, the fatigue.. it automatically sets an alarm that once familiar to you.

[childhood memory]: you were crying at 8 years old and so fort once you’re working physically exhausting in your little body.

[body]: stress response.. headache, heart rate up

[awareness thought]: oops, i hit something

[painful memory]: it’s okay. it’s that one particular image I would always cry almost afternoon at 3pm after I get home from school that I’m tasked to clean the house, wash the dishes, cook rice.. god knows what other household chores

[body]: too much headache, nausea, wants to vomit

[reaching limit thought]: i think it’s enough for now. i can’t go on. i want to throw up. but you were right.

[coping thought]: breathe in

[body]: deep inhale and exhale

[processing trauma thought]: it’s that part of my young self I don’t have closure and will not have closure. it’s just a part of me. we were poor and there are four of us, siblings. it’s survival mode. one day, i’ll get over it. ACCEPT IT. It’s just the “body keeps the score.” But I don’t mind at all helping my family get over the challenges. It’s just that episodes in my life that… crying of exhaustion or because I don’t like it at all cleaning the house, washing the clothes. Phew!

[body]: deep sigh, inhale/exhale

[letting go thought]: i don’t see the point on holding grudges or holding on to the past. i want it silent now, but the body.. oh boy.. it always keep the score.

[circular thought]: what’s the point in living again? It’s a ROULETTE to which parents, environment, time you’re born to. What’s the point in appreciating again? To be able to feel? Feelings.

[cynical thought]: Feelings. really, we are all just fooling our minds to be able to keep up, fight of survival.

[curious thought]: searches Google about how many emotional feelings are there

[factual thought]: well there are around “27 distinct categories of emotions”.. basic

[sardonic thought]: the fuck of playing those 27 emotions.. seems like life is a game.

[body]: smirk

[feeling]: shocked

[parental perspective thought]: anyway, as long as you live.. please for the sake of Dragan, your son.. you’ll see goodness in living

[loving visualization]: an image of Dragan, smiling, excited to see me when he reaches home from school

[feeling]: loved and moved

[body]: eustress, heart rate drop, inhale/exhale

[breakthrough thought]: i think Dragan is the antidote in what you’re feeling now

[anxious thought]: thinking of one day losing him or death

[mindful thought]: ooops, nope. just think today. living is today, Maan. Please. Today is what matters. What matters is you get to hug him.

[body]: crying

[feeling]: moved, relieved

[loving thought]: i love him so much. oh, the warmth of his hug and love. his beautiful smile.

[cherished memory]: remembered a beautiful experience and searched a picture taken yesterday where he rode a bike in Spring.

[grateful thought]: he was so happy I get to accompany him. oh, it was a day I didn’t regret I spent it with him instead of driving off to clean 275 building.

[maternal thought]: if this is living.. then, I would do anything not to lose him as long as I am able.

[body]: tears rolling

[feeling]: moved, blissful

[meaning-making thought]: i think this is the point of living. finding an anchor and hold on to it. It’s Dragan, your boy is your light house.

[affirming thought]: yes, he is. i guess, to be able this magnitude of emotions for one little human is wonderful, and amazing.

[philosophical thought]: i would say.. becoming less rational is needed to move on, don’t you think?

[hesitant thought]: yes, being dominantly rational and having a fixed solution… (feeling unsure)

[integrative thought]: i think what you mean is being insistent in being rational in a given moment isn’t helpful. we need to play … learn to play the game of life. finding an anchor is your power to overcome difficulties. DRAGAN is your power to lift you up when the moments like this would come.

[empowering thought]: You are stronger than you imagined, Maan.

[generalizing thought]: All are.

[critical thought]: why blurt that? it’s out of sync.

[cynical thought]: well because she’s starting to believe that she’s special. ah come on, don’t be sugar coating everything. ALL HUMANS ARE STRONGER. Come on

[mediating thought]: all right all right.. what’s important is she’s overcoming the energy sucker and deadly thoughts at this moment.

[challenging thought]: she’s forgetting that there’s more to it.

[defensive thought]: is that negative? sounds like.

[clarifying thought]: i mean, there’s more to life than one traumatic childhood experience. it clouded the view.. the good view..

[confused thought]: you mean for the future good view?

[vague thought]: the past and present…

[meta-cognitive thought]: ah, this is getting out of hand

[feeling]: frustrated

[body]: mild headache, smirks

[dissatisfied thought]: i am not liking the ending of this talk

[concluding thought]: it’s dragging us but point taken.. just make it Woosh your feelings and thoughts. We will get over it and it will come to pass. And remember, there is something to look forward to by 4pm. Your son, Dragan’s hug, smile, smell, his stories about school, his exciting imaginations and fantasies.

[tender thought]: and bed time hugs, too. make the most of it, Maan. this is all you’ve got in this moment. beautiful

[body]: sits erect

[grateful thought]: thanks, yes. at times i’m only consumed of my worries and i’m forgetting i have this beautiful gift each day.. i guess, able to love and feel love amidst all.

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end at 15:11